Clarity from Chaos

By: Dave Campbell

Top Five Regrets Of The Dying

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For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

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Bronnie Ware is a writer and songwriter from Australia. Her blog has a loyal and ever-increasing following and has been quoted in several respectable international publications. Based on this article, Bronnie has now released a full-length book, also titled ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying’. For more information about this or to read more of Bronnie’s work, please visit her blog at http://inspirationandchai.com.

 

What goes boo in the night?

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Fear is the most debilitating four letter word in the English language. We all suffer from it in small or very large ways. The word fear needs to be distinguished from being afraid because they are two very separate things. Being afraid is a very natural response to either an internal or external threat, real or imagined but fear contains a much broader area of discussion.

For the sake of this discussion I am going to speak about our internal fears, such as inadequacy, acceptance, self doubt, lack of self esteem and the like. Now mind you I am not a scholar or a clinical psychologist or medical person of any kind, just someone who has come to recognize fear and its impediment to action.

Let me begin by stating simply and for the record, my biggest fear is self doubt and not measuring up to my father. An explanation is probably in order here. My dad was larger than life, a man who grew up in a blue collar home. He finished high school while in the military and became an electrician after coming home from Korea. He was a man who saw no gray areas in life, only good and bad, right or wrong. In my eyes, he was John Wayne and the Marlboro Man all rolled into one. But he was also a hard man, one who did not express compliments or praise. Consequently, I never really understood if my mere achievements were worthy of merit or not. Hence a very large dose of self doubt, through my teen years and on through my young adulthood.

The hardness my father had instilled in me would be present the day I stood at the foot of his hospital bed and listened to the doctor’s prognosis. The life support system he was on was the only thing keeping him alive. My mom could not bear the news and the decision to end the life support fell to me, the oldest. Knowing my father, his life, and what the right thing to do was, I quietly walked over and turned off the system. At that point, I realized what all the teaching, discipline and hard lessons had been for a reason. They had brought me to this point in time where I had the courage to face my fear and do what was needed.

Now I would be remiss to say that all of my fears disappeared that day because they did not. Being this frail human I suffer from the same fears that everyone else does, but I do know what it takes to overcome them, sometimes successfully and sometimes not so successfully.

If you have reached this point, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this. I must however offer a disclaimer, this was not written to illict sympathy, nor was it written as some cathartic exercise to remove my own personal demons. It was written to let you know that you are not alone. That the challenges or fears you face, however great or small can be conquered. It is all a matter of choice. You have been given the ability to make those choices. Create the life you want starting now.

Start by looking up and asking GOD for forgiveness. Then ask for courage and grace. Say a prayer every day and say Thank You because you have the ability, if you choose to conquer your fears and bring joy and peace into your life.

More to come….